One drink…I felt relief.

Two drinks…I felt alive.

Three drinks…I didn’t feel.

Zero drinks…I felt it all…and I was FREE.

You know that feeling of wanting to escape yourself?
That feeling of wanting to run away from your feelings?
You know that desire to have your problems melt away?
That’s what I felt like when I drank.
I didn’t drink the first glass of wine while I cooked the kids dinner because I liked the taste, I drank it because I wanted relief.
I didn’t drink the second glass of wine because it paired well with my own dinner, I drank it because I wanted to feel alive.
I didn’t drink the third glass because my husband was (he wasn’t!), and then I didn’t feel anymore.
Looking back, that was the desired result, I just didn’t want to feel the feelings anymore.
I’d felt them so deeply as the child of alcoholic parents, and now, parenting my own children, the emotions were just too much.
I wanted my children to have everything I didn’t, and to know love like every child deserves. I was so hyper critical of everything I did, and I had zero compassion for myself.
The unhealed wounds were ripe for the taking.
Each day was like another pinch of salt in the wounds that needed me.
They needed me, my kids needed me, my husband needed me, and most of all...
I needed myself, but I was getting lost more and more.
I was loosing myself to the thoughts about my beloved glass of wine at night, I got lost in the moment of self-abusive indulgence, and I got lost in the morning after when I had to put my mind, body, and soul back together for the day.
Then the story changed.
I recognized that I needed to feel.
I needed to feel all the feelings.
I needed to have compassion for where I’d been and courage to face where I wanted to go.
If I could have courage to go where I wanted to go, and to be who I wanted to be, it meant I’d have to feel it all...
TRULY and DEEPLY.
In order to feel deeply, I would no longer be able to escape.
So I didn’t.
I felt it all ... and I was FREE.