Personal Liberation, Radical Responsibility, And Uncomfortable Feelings

For much of my life I wished she would have looked into my little eyes and told me I was worthy and loved. I had wished the words “life would have been better had you not been born” had not been her mantra for 10 years, but today I have gratitude, I have peace, I have done the work.

My journey wouldn’t have been what it is, and I wouldn’t be who I am had it been another way. In fact there wasn’t another way, this was my plan, it was up to me to use it for purpose and change.

My childhood set the foundation for a life that offered me seasons of growth and change. This has meant learning and unlearning, becoming and unbecoming, unlayering and releasing, letting go and implementing the “new.”

The “new” has looked like breaking wide open, digging down deep into my core, being challenged to truly look at myself, feeling all the feelings, and challenging myself to release the beliefs that din’t serve my highest good.

Change wasn’t an external thing. Change wasn’t increased micromanaging of other's, holding on to the failed attempts to control those around me. Change was tending to my own garden, weeding through old messages and stories I’d been holding onto.

Attempting to make sense of a world that felt unsafe, seeking the number one human need of connection and belonging, while gripping false truths about myself and others, was the perfect storm. It kept me in a state of heightened alert, confusion, disconnect, and rejection which meant survival techniques of suppressing, numbing and focusing blame externally.

The journey of transformation, that turned my pain into purpose, and my past into passion, began the moment I recognized … the answers I was seeking weren’t to be found externally, my life wasn’t in someone else’s control. My life was mine - and only mine.

I realized that I would never find what I had been longing for outside of myself, it was within me all along. It was at this time in my life that I took back my power.

Taking back my power meant taking ownership for how I wanted to show up in this world. Taking back my power meant cracking myself wide open, taking inventory of my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and being intentional about it. Taking back my power meant, being self-honoring, accepting all of myself, and trusting in my discoveries along the way.

I was vigilant in looking at my own stuff. Once again, it was mine, and only mine. Yes, it came from deep rooted pain in my childhood, pain that was not my choice, but I had a choice now - blame no longer had a place in my life.

I began weeding my garden and cleaning house. I was taking 100% responsibility of my life, which meant taking 100% responsibility for my 50% of relationships.

One of the biggest challenges was moving through the shame that came with owning my mistakes in life. When we look at our own stuff, we need to face the feelings that come along with it. The easy way out is blame, projecting, deflecting, and denying personal responsibility, but when we look at it for what it is, we change-we evolve-we grow.

In the process of taking radical responsibility, I gave myself grace. Implementing the “new” meant letting go of the old patterns and stories which had been showing up as resentments and judgements of myself and others. With this came so much freedom.

I was finally letting go of what I had thought was a life preserver saving me, when in reality, it was keeping me stuck in that perfect storm.

My fractured and broken parts finally healed.

I no longer had a visceral reaction in my body when I thought of my childhood. I no longer lived in a “critique and threat” state or a “fight or flight” state. I no longer projected my past trauma and pain onto other people. I no longer sought the approval and acceptance from others in order to feel worthy in this world, this came from within.

I took back my power, and in doing so, I became radically responsible for being the best I can be for myself and for others.

Today I am grateful for my past, I believe fully, that it happened “for me” not “to me.”

I share this today as we collectively navigate emotional overwhelm due to the horrific murder of George Floyd at the hands of people who never did their own work.

Throughout my life journey, I have come to understand a lot.

I don’t understand everything, I can’t and won’t ever fully know the plight of my fellow man who has suffered greatly for generations, but, I do know and understand this:

We have purpose.

We have power.

We have the radical responsibility to take ownership of our own internal compass.

We must create a personal liberation process that strengthens our ability to deal with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

We must process our discomfort without making ourselves or others wrong.

We must not hide from our feelings, but rather, get curious.

It wasn’t until I got curious about why I felt the way I did, reacted the way I did, suppressed and numbed certain emotions the way I did, that I was no longer able to ignore the reality. It’s not easy, it’s not comfortable, but it is the only way to show up authentically and live on purpose.

Today, I am very much reminded of the beginning of this transformative period in my life, because I’m feeling some of the same things.

I feel shame, because I thought I had been doing “my best” all these years. By not thinking racist thoughts and feeling racist feelings, I thought I wasn’t a part of the problem, which is the problem … I wasn’t a part of the change.

I feel overwhelm, because as I’m peeling back the layers of my own truth, I must process what’s coming up for me.

I feel a urgency, because I want to make things better yesterday.

Today I am on another yet another journey of transformation, growth, self-evolution, and I feel the passion, purpose, and power to make a tiny ripple.

It all begins and ends within us. Be a tiny ripple in making this world a better place.

Don’t be afraid to look inside, it’s where the answers you seek await.

Life happens for us. Lean in and let your authenticity serve.