Running For Mental Health: My Lifeline To Myself

I’m ALIVE when I run, it was all I had for a long time.
This is a picture of me after the last good run I can remember prior to my brain diagnosis in the Spring of 2019.
Not running was the loss of what had been my lifeline growing up and the foundation of my mind/body health.
I don’t recall the first day in a pair of running shoes when I was 14, but I’ll never forget how it allowed me to reconnect with the parts of myself that had been lost to the unpredictability and emotional chaos of an alcoholic home.
I can’t remember much from those years, but I can remember exactly how I felt when I ran, what I thought about, the smells, the textures, and the emotions.
I remember running around the
reservoir under the cherry blossom trees as they blanketed the earth with pink confetti.
I remember running with cool Spring mists cleansing my face, often my tears.
I remember running with the sting of snow flakes as they bit my skin.
I remember running as the sun said goodnight to the day, and the warmth blanketed me with a comfort I didn’t have anywhere else.
I remember running along the ocean as the seagulls flew beside me, calling out the words of encouragement I so desired.
I remember running through the farm trails at my grandmother’s as the crickets hid amongst the tall grass at dusk and sang songs to me.
I remember it all because it was in those moments that I was CONNECTED, not disconnected.
It was in those beautiful moments that my disassociation from reality was held captive for a short time, and I was free to feel myself, know myself, and to live.
To be ALIVE in my own skin, with my own thoughts and emotions, and I had my POWER back.
I had my POWER.
The power to KNOW who I was, to TRUST myself, and perhaps for a few moments, even LIKE myself.
My legs were predictable.
I could depend on them.
I could rely on the process and the results.
I knew how I’d feel as I placed one foot in front of the other, and that’s all I needed in those moments, predictability.
Today I yearn to get back out there with these legs that have carried me through it all.
My post brain surgery fear has held me hostage for too long now, so today I’ll take back my POWER and run!